While shopping this holiday season, please take pity on the poor under-paid sales people you encounter, such as myself. Here is a list of 10 helpful rules to observe at all times.
1. Shower regularly and observe good dental hygiene. Seriously, use mints if you have to.
2. Communicate like an adult. When we offer to help, try using English words in complete sentences.
3. Know what you want, if at all possible. Do not engage a sales person for help only to wander around the store aimlessly, making them tell you about every single available item. Unless you are planning to buy the whole store, just look at relevant items. Stay focused.
4. Have realistic expectations. Retail establishments are not made of magic unless you are Harry Potter. This includes having realistic expectations about what you are looking for ("I saw it in a dream... Do you have one in stock?") how much it will cost ("I'm looking to spend about $1200 on a new E-type Jaguar convertible. What do you have?") and turn around time ("I need a custom-made tweed jacket tailored to my specifications. I need it by 2:30 today.)
5. Have an opinion. Once you have established the kind of thing you are looking for, help the sales person help you! When they show you options, do not perform your best impression of a guppy and stare mindlessly at the items. Decide if you like it or if you don't! See Rule # 2.
6. You are not the only one in the store. The holidays are a busy time of year, especially for retailers. Remember to be patient if you have to wait for help. Annoyed sound effects and scowls will not earn you faster service. Try as hard as possible to repress the Pushy-Bitch side of your personality.
7. If you are on medications for ANY reason, keep taking them! This is especially true for the mildly psychotic, mentally unstable, or emotionally disturbed individuals among you.
8. Do not try to haggle. In these days of lightning-fast communication and information technology, stores will generally have their discounts advertised and/or displayed in the store. If something is already marked as being 40% off, do not harass the sales staff about their "best price." Remember also that you are not their best customer, despite referring to yourself as such...
9. Come prepared to pay. This means that you should not leave your wallet or purse on the counter at home, in the car, or buried for safe keeping. You hold everything up when you finally get to the register and realize you only have 15¢ on you. Ladies, this also means cleaning out your f#@$ing enormous bag before you shop. Nobody needs to wait while you rummage through 1700 square feet of complete chaos to find the one credit card you need. In fact, consider downsizing altogether for the good of humanity.
10. Never enter a store 10 or less minutes before they close! I don't care what "quick" thing you have to do, it's gob-smackingly rude to the staff. Along those lines, if the lights are mostly off and the sign says "Closed" do not continue to try to open the door and enter! Remember, you are NOT an exception to the rules. Get over yourself.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
A Retail Employee
Why do people even write blogs? Blogs are just another one of the ways that people feel "deep" and "artistic" and special. It's another insult to another field. Just because you can click a couple of buttons and get your own free blog you think you're a goddamn writer. Just like people who can buy a point-and-shoot camera think they are suddenly great photographers and use a lot of black and white or sepia filters. YOU'RE NOT. STOP IT.
